I’ve been noticeably absent. I have been having a very tough time the last few weeks. It has been quite dark and stressful.
I am now back home and as much as I love my family, I was dreading coming home because I don’t want to be around people right now. It’s been this way for the last month. I’ve kept to myself as much as possible and secluded myself as much as possible. However, I had to come home for a couple weddings this summer. The fact that I knew there would be drama involved did not help me feel any better about leaving the comfort of my bed and personal bubble to interact with people while wearing a smile.
So, it’s been tough.
Drama did most definitely ensue. I have cried more the last week being home than I had the last two weeks before coming home. I even had a full blown cry and meltdown in a public toilet with one of my best friends, who we’ll call Trin. Now Trin has maybe seen me cry a couple times out of all the years she’s known me but I don’t ever recall having a complete breakdown like I did this past weekend in front of her (and any stranger who walked into the loo’s). It was one of those cries that once they start, it can’t stop. No matter what. It all had to come out.
I also cried later on that night after getting home from my sister’s bridal shower because it was just such a gong show at first as I wasn’t there to set up and I just knew she was upset. My sister said she wasn’t but as it turns out, she was not only upset but embarrassed and she cried afterwards. I made her cry with the bridal shower I had planned for her. That makes me feel like absolute shit. That also has me battling my very unhelpful thinking ways when that voice in my head says, “you’re useless. Why do you even try?” or “You worthless piece of shit, you can’t even pull off a simple bridal shower! It’s a wonder your sister even talks to you with all your fuck-up’s!” Is it harsh? Of course. Is this what goes through my mind? Constantly. I constantly battle the feelings of being useless and worthless everyday.
This last week here has been no different. If anything, I’ve been battling it a lot more. Hence why the tears have been free flowing. I’ve even had thoughts of hurting myself since being home. I’m struggling and I’m scared/worried/sad etc. You name it and I’m sure I feel it at this moment.
As you can imagine, finding anything good has not been going well at all for me. I wake up every morning, put a smile on my face and go about my day. I don’t like to have people see me at my most vulnerable. I don’t want the pitying looks.
I promise to try to do much better because writing helps. I’m brutally honest when I write and I find it helps me to get things out in an uncensored manner. I am able to get out things I can’t otherwise put into words to properly explain while speaking. Writing is the best way for me to express myself.
I touched on different things tonight and will go more in depth about things another day. For tonight though, I want to say thank you for your patience with me. I also want to give a very special thank you to Trin, who I had to lean on a whole heck of a lot this past weekend and who was my rock through it all. She has been there for me always and whenever I needed her. She would drop everything for me and I feel that I don’t deserve her in my life but I am ever so grateful and very blessed that she chooses to remain in my life every day. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart.
I am trying to make it through each day and take it one day at a time. I will update again soon and get back to regular posts shortly.