I haven’t been good at finding Little Things this week. I have been downright atrocious, really. I haven’t been in the right state of mind to find the good in each day. I’ve been struggling. I’ve been hiding my struggle behind a smile so that I’m not constantly asked, “what’s wrong?” and I don’t have to reply with a generic, “nothing” or an “I’m fine” *cue even bigger fake smile*. What makes it even harder is that I cannot pinpoint why the way I’ve been feeling has stuck around as long as it has this time. I know what brought it on but I didn’t think this feeling would have stuck around for so long.
I haven’t been feeling motivated to do much. I barely make it through work these days. I try my best because I work with children and they require a ton of energy but it’s a daily struggle for me. All I want to do is be on my own, at home and in bed. Clearly, that isn’t a good sign and I’ve been trying to do the exercises that my therapist has given me to help out but it’s proven difficult. I’m not focused enough because my mind is going a million miles a minute with all the negativity floating around and around.
To make matters worse, I know I’ve let you all down by not keeping up with the daily posts which in turns makes me get even more down on myself. It’s a vicious cycle and one that seems to be playing as the soundtrack in my life currently. Not the best soundtrack to have at anytime but more so when you’re battling some of your darkest demons within a depressive state. It’s been quite the losing battle for me and even sharing it now is making feelings of embarrassment and shame come up. Embarrassment because I cannot seem to get a grasp on my mental state at the moment and shame because I still feel as though I’m broken and alone. I know, logically, I am not alone but it’s how I feel. I can’t explain why properly but there it is.
For today, I am making my Little Thing the fact that I am still here and very much alive. I didn’t give in to my demons or my extremely dark thoughts of self harming. Instead I worked at getting out of bed every morning and going into work. Putting a smile on my face and doing what I could to ensure that the kids were taken care of and still having fun while with me at school. Yes, I may have cried myself to sleep a few times this week and yes, I may have also cried at work during my afternoon break and I may have also needed to nap during my lunch break as well instead of eating. Even with all of that happening, I am still here and able to actually write this post.
I am not as strong as I’d like to be but I am stronger than I was last month and that is progress. Progress that I hope continues to move upward as the days go on. All I can ask for is the strength to continue to make good decisions while battling my darkest days when my demons come calling.
I am going to face many more awful days and weeks but it helps to know that I have an outlet with writing and all of you reading this. I hope I’m able to reach at least one person so they know they aren’t alone.