I know I said I would start posting again on Monday but I need to write tonight. Writing is the only way I know how to not keep everything bottled up. Writing is how I know to express myself.
I am about to be extremely honest with you all. Tonight has been the first time in a couple weeks where I found myself upset and thinking, “Would it really be that bad if I wasn’t around? Everybody would just get on with their lives and I would not be such a burden.”
I am still currently battling with that thought going around and around in my head. I am usually not this honest at all because I’m ashamed to admit that I have such thoughts. I’m ashamed that I’m so weak as to even think that. I’m ashamed that I allowed one sentence to break me tonight.
One sentence made me feel less than and as though I’m not good enough. A few words strung together that hit just the right spot.
I have demons and they come to me with these thoughts. Thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of not being good enough, thoughts of being a huge idiot for allowing words to hurt me the way they do. For being an emotional being. These demons make me feel ashamed of my emotions and reactions. These demons make me ashamed to be me.
“Tomorrow is a new day” they say but right now, I feel as though I don’t want to make it through the night. What’s the use? So I can continue being useless?
These demons are eating me alive tonight and I am failing at fighting back…